Fighting the Fraudsters

Today I was reminded of the total stupidity of some of the vast, money-hungry population of the West African Republic of Nigeria. It's been a while since I've had to deal with that very distincitve accent telling you some far-flung, highly convuluted story about some relatives of relatives and why they need to travel abroad out of urgency and why nothing other than a UK passport will appease the strict Immigration Officers. "Well Sir, that's a very nice story, but I'm afraid the answer is still no".

This afternoon however I had my first 'bite' of the eBay in Nigeria 'apple'. One of the guys in my new office was selling his unlocked iPhone via the well known internet auction site. It was initially listed at just £80, but by the end of the auction, it had rocketed up to £255. Too good to be true? I'd say....

He promptly received emails from the so-called bidder regarding payment. Now, poor Mr A hadn't sold much on eBay before, and so forgot to stipulate delivery to the UK only. Our lucky bidder had been in contact and only wanted to ship the phone out to Nigeria of all places!! Instantly, my ears pricked up and I warned him that I was 99% sure it was some kind of banking scam. Next minute, he recieves an email purporting to be from PayPal saying that the winning bidder had deposited £360 into his account.

£360??? When the item only sold for £255. That's £105 more than the selling price. Surely shipment to Africa can't cost that much?? Can it? Something most certainly wasn't added up, so I insisted that I draft the correspondance to the eBay spoof team and to the PayPal spoof team. Within minutes it was confirmed that they were fraudsters. Fakes. Impostors. Whatever you want to call them...lucky escape for Mr A I'd say.

Soon enough, the emails were flying around the department "Hello. My name is Olatunde. My wife is most graciously recieving your item. She very good wife and we has 12 children. We need very much iPhone" and things to that effect - quite clearly much more comical than my lame attempt.

Speaking of comical outcomes of fraud. You simply must read this feature. It is a bit long winded, but it is very much worth it. If anything, just skip to page 4 and look at the photos!!

Whilst we're on the subject of fraud. I'm waiting to hear back from a counter-fraud company as to whether I passed their grueling 3-exam assessement. Fingers crossed hey!

Lucy is...

...disappointed at the lack of noodles in her chicken noodle soup!

Heinz are getting stingy. Rubbish.

What news is there to report? Not much. I've got 2 job interviews tomorrow. So finger's crossed I'll at least get a "we would like you to start on Monday" from at least one of them.

Currently listening to a bit of The Killers. Looked to see whether there were any tickets left for their 2009 arena tours. Bit stupid really, because I half expected them all to be sold out. Manchester have a few left, but who really wants to go there?! (Just offended most of Lancashire in that sweeping statement!)

Booked my train tickets up to Edinburgh for New Years Eve today. Good job too because they're selling fast! So many people descending upon that city not surprising really.

I really don't see what the appeal of being unemployed is. There's only so much Jeremy Kyle one can watch in a morning, although I do have to admit that it is strangely addictive. This morning's star guest was this 62 year old pensioner (who looked more like 92) who had over 8 boyfriends, recieved money for sex, had unprotected sex, had sex on a pool table in public and would get her wrinkly, saggy boobs out upon request. Infact, she "attempted to disrobe" infront of the man Kyle himself!

Honestly, I've never seen such a sight. I think any man in his right mind would be paying her to keep her clothes on! I can't even begin to describe how she looked. Overweight, glasses to rival Diedre Rasheed, topped off with a plum bob length wig would be a start. Really, where do they find these people??

On a slightly different note. Been listening to some 1992 classics lately! Loving it.

It's not over until the fat lady sings

...or in my case. It's not over until I've given the old bint a good slap. And by old bint I mean Mrs A. This woman is nothing more than a bully. All the 'young ones' in the office hate her because she swans around as if she owns the place making snide remarks about everyone. I am intent on telling the HR manager about her on my 'exit interview' tomorrow. Justice will come!

I finally finish the job from hell on Tuesday. And not a day too soon. Working for the police in the capacity which I have has most definately been the biggest mistake of my life. I've never been so close to being sacked in my whole working life - such a good girl usually. So, I've been left with no choice other than to jump ship before I get pushed overboard.

No idea what I'm going to do with myself. Well, the obvious place to start would be with getting a new job. But, what I meant was, I have no idea what I want TO DO with myself. I seem to think that I'd make a good (and slightly sexy) nurse in A&E, and have some fantasy about meeting the love of my life - either copping off with a rich Doctor, or falling for a sexy man in uniform who just so happens to stroll through the doors of whatever ward I would be working on. The whole 'caring for others in a compassionate role' comes a bit further down the list of priorities!! (I jest).

Meant to be going to Venice in 3 weeks. How on earth I'm going to be able to afford it is beyond me. If anyone out there is reading this and wishes to offer me a job, please don't hesitate to get in touch! I am a very hard worker ;-). Alternatively, any donations would be graciously recieved to the 'Lucy's tour of Venice-Fund'!

Top o' the mornin' to ya!

Dublin. What an amazing city. Amazingly expensive too. Nonetheless, I'd definately go back there to party again. Our trip started at 3am on a Sunday morning, to get to Stanstead Airport for an 8am flight to Dublin. Arrived there safe and sound to find the streets quite literally bulging with Irish Gaelic Football fans. I wasn't made aware until about a day before travelling (Thank you Mr O'Connor) that Sunday was going to be the Gaelic Football finals - eqivalent to the FA Cup Final in England. The green and yellow of Kerry mixed nicely with the red and white of Tyrone. Strange to see opposite teams getting along so well. I suppose you do get too used to hearing about the thugs associated with Premiership football teams.

On our first afternoon, we just had a bit of a wrecky and a wonder around Trinity College and went to see The Book of Kells. I wasn't aware that the library at Trinity College is an exact copy of the library at Trinity College, Cambridge! Factoid for the day there! Got back to the hotel and decided that we needed a power nap if we intended on partying the night away.

And so began the first night of randomness. We made our way into Temple Bar trying to find somewhere suitably cheap to eat. Which didn't happen, so we just decided that we'd forego starter and a pud and just have a main course and tap water. (Last of the big spenders 'eh!) After that it was off to the bars. Firstly The Temple Bar pub itself. A huge red pub split into different bars with a 2-man band squished into one corner playing traditional Irish songs. This place has an amazing atmosphere, but it's the kind of place which is so busy you literally cannot bring your drink up to your mouth to drink it. No wonder why it was so packed! Too many people buying drinks, and unable to drink 'em!!

It makes me laugh to hear men singing, or I should really say slurring along to the songs! It's just a very loud, completely incomprehendable noise in the vague tune of the song. So we wondered around to a few more bars (At an average of 15 euro a round - for 2!) until we happened to fall victim to 5 drunken Irish men who insisted we dance with them. One was partial to unbuttoning his shirt and flashing a nipple. Avert your eyes!! One was trying so so hard to chat my friend up , however considering we're both in excess of 5'11 with heels on...these guys were about 5'6 - 5'8. It just wasn't going to happen! But, we weren't going to pass up an offer for a drink or two. So it was that we were shown a few more bars and made to dance some more until the early hours.

Cue day two and our trip to the Guinness Factory. Outside we were asked by a couple of Yanks if we'd like them to take a photo of the two of us outside the gate. It was a nice gesture and one which was returned. Skip a few levels of how Guinness is made, how it was transported all over the world, and exhibition on the Artwork by John Gilroy and up to the bar with 360 degree views of Dublin city...and our free pint! I'd never tried Guinness before, so wasn't too sure of what to expect, but for a free drink it was palletable. My friend however took one lick of hers and decided she didn't like it. So who did we make a b-line for? That's right...the yanks we met outside the storehouse. We got talking, so much so we were invited for lunch. Turns out they were 'American Airline pilots'. My guess - they were having us on. I mean, I pilot who wears RayBan sunglasses, I'm not sure if that's just too much of a joke or not?!

Still, lunch was nice and my friend exchanged numbers with the one from Hawaii as they wanted to meet up again in the evening. Needless to say, we didn't. So we went off to Dublin Castle. Very boring, other than when we went underground to the ruins of the old medieval city wall. Apparently the name Dublin comes from the viking Duf-Lin (that's spelt pheontically. Do excuse my ignorance of the Viking alphabet, but it's not really up to scratch!) anyways, Duf-lin apparently means "Black Pool" - from the dark waters which surrounded the city. Take my word for it - after my recent experience in Blackpool, Dublin is like paradise!

So skip to night two out in Temple Bar and we have a lovely chinese/thai dinner and hit the Temple Bar Pub again. This time it's even more rammed than the night before, so we down our Tia Maira and OJ and Southern Comforts and lemonade and head out to another bar, which was a bit dead so try a third. Even though on the door it said "strictly 23 and over" we thought we'd try our luck and sneak in the back door. It worked...shortly after, a big group of lads came in and it wasn't long before one of them approached us as asked "is this bar stool free?"...it certainly was but that didn't stop him coming back and striking up conversation. Then another came over, shortly followed by a third, fourth, fifth! Within half an hour we had half of the Northern Irish Young Farmer's Convention descended upon us!! They were a right good laugh though. Between the lot of them they had a kitty of about 600 euro to spend on booze on that one night alone, so you can imagine - things were going to get pretty messy! I can only remember the names of a handful though, Martyn, James, Alistair, Tommo and Peter - guys, on the off chance that any of you are reading this, thanks for a great night of laughs and very dodgy dance moves!!

I think we stumbled back to our hotel at something like 3am and the next morning wearily made our way to the Airport. That is after my friend tried to purchase some Irish souvenirs from a big chain store, and was refused because she had come into possession of a fake 5 euro note. How embarassing! Love the place, can't wait to do it again next year.

What do you call a sheep that can leave the ground?

...a wooly jumper!!

Believe it or not, that took me a few minutes to twig. Some of the best jokes however are the most simple. My mother (very un-P.C) sent me this rather amusing text, to which my brother-in-law (similarly un-P.C) responded: "fucking hilarious"...

Muslim Prayer: "Our Father who art in Bradford, Abdul be thy name. Thy curry come, thy stingin' bum, on earth as it is in Rochdale. Give us this day our daily naan, forgive us our smell and help those that hold our smell against us. For thine is the prayer mat, the Nissan Almera for ever and ever. AHMED".

I can't believe how busy I have been lately. Hence the serious lack of any recent blog updates. The job has gone from bad to worse. I'm handing my notice in tomorrow and 'jumping ship' before I'm pushed off the plank! Everyone I've spoken to thinks I have a case for grievance, but I can't be bothered pursuing it. Sooner I'm out of that place the better.

On a lighter note, it is my best bud's 22nd Birthday tomorrow. And to celebrate...we're off to Dublin on Sunday for a couple of nights of...well I intend to drown my sorrows in the traditional Irish way - by drinking myself into a stuper! Guinness Factory tour is booked...and passport is ready and valid. This will be the first time I've flown commerically (sad, I know) but I can't say how much I'm looking forward to it. We're hoping to hit a couple of comedy clubs and cram as many bars into the two nights as possible.

I am slightly concerned that my liver will not be able to cope - considering I've not drunk extensively for...a long time! We shall see...

Bed calls. Got to face another day of hell in the office with the two faced bee-hatch tomorrow. Joy o' joys

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside...

Some places in the world I think, need to be completely removed off the map. If only someone could invent a big rubber and simply erase certain townships off the face of the planet and make my dream come true. Take for example...Blackpool. What a total waste of space that place is. I have honestly, never seen anything like it. My friend decided to treat me to the delights that Lancashire has to offer. My friend by the way, is a a thoroughbred Yorkshireman - so the hatred for anything west of the Pennines runs deep. Back to the days of the War of the Roses!!

(Which, funnily enough I had to research because he didn't know who 'won'. The information is ambiguious though. Going on battles, there were 17. History lesson for you now... The House of York won 10, the House of Lancaster won 6, and one couldn't be called. So 10-6 in favour of those cheeky Yorkshire chappies!)

So, black to Blackpool. It has to be the biggest pit ever. The streets are lined with obese, greasy haired single mothers. Long, greasy lank haired slightly odd looking tram conductors, and chavs - galore! It really is a chavtastic haven, and for me a living nightmare. The golden mile is anything but the slightest bit golden. Mile's of derelict looking B&B's line the sea front. Boarded up windows, used needles - it is such a delight.

You can buy pink cowboy hats that proudly declare "Slappers on Tour". I've never seen anything like it. I seriously thought that I might catch an STI from just breating in the air. We did find a safe place to park the my mate's prized possession - the Golf 1.6 FSI and promptly made our way to the Sea Life centre. Passing hoards of Glaswegian chavvy kids, parents and grandparents. I did genuinely fear for my safety.

The cutest thing ever

Apologies in advance for this is going to be a really pointless and overly girly blog.

Went to the hairdressers today, for a mop-chop. And came out looking like an extra from Sex in the City. Loved it!! Caramel blonde bits in my hair, and it's been curled all over, to look so sweet in my short bob....this is just how I want it to look when I go to my friend's wedding in a couple of weeks! Did however go a bit mad with the products afterwards and ended up buying 'bed head' shampoo, conditioner and volumising stuff...which only added a mere £25 to the bill!!

Still, best hair cut to date! Had to cancel Badminton though, thought I'd look like a bit of a plank if I walked on to a badminton court with a perfect barnet! Plus I didn't really want to get it all horrible and sweaty...not a good look.

So instead, sat chatting about boys with my bestest bud, while watching 'How to Look Good Naked', followed by a few laughs of 'Mock the Week'.

How very organised!

I have excelled myself with organisation skills today. A miracle happened this morning and I was actually in at work by 8am! To quote Judith "are you feeling OK this morning Lucy?!"

Today dragged on soooooo much. I'd taken an apple, banana and 2 muller vitality yogurts with me, and I was that bored that I'd eaten them all by 9.30! I was clock watching every 5 minutes, and think I emailed my best mate on the gsi.gov.uk network more times than I looked at my worksheet!!

That's by the by. I compiled a...sorry, this blog has just been interrupted by what looks to be a flying ant or mosquito randomly landing on my note pad and dying right before my very eyes...

As I was saying, I compiled a list of things to do. I love lists. There's nothing more satisfying than crossing off the items on a list of things to do. Today's list included the following:

• Purchase single train ticket from Stansted Airport to home for when we land back in the UK from Dublin. £9.10
• Purchase connecting train ticket for next weekend from York to Huddersfield. £3.30
• Pre-Book Guiness Factory tour for trip to Dublin. 24 Euro.
• Update iTunes/iPod
• Pop to Tesco for hair designs magazine
• Upload photos from Bank Holiday weekend onto Facebook.

I managed items 1-4, however totally forgot about tomorrow's impending mop-chop and instead opted for white choc chip cookies (74p for 5) and a new Vanillaaaaaaahhhh frijj milkshake. Not had time to upload photos onto Facebook due to current NHS application form jobby.

My bed is calling me now...

Free Hardcore

We have this e-application at work, where people can post items for sale, 'wanted' for hire...you name it - it's there. I have a little browse once or twice a week to pass the time, you know how it is! And today I came across a classic.

FREE HARDCORE!!! Was the subject of the item for sale..."One tonne...surplus to requirement!" I thought, flamin' heck! Does this man have an addiction...a tonne of porn!!? "ready for pick up in dumpy sack"...it took a while to twig that it was hardcore as in building supplies!! I was quite tempted to ring into Scott Mills and spread my stupidity.

I had quite possibly the most boring day at work. Ever. It started at 5.54am, when for the first time in a long while I woke up before my alarm. But when it went off, I pressed snooze...until 8.30!! So much for my early start. Got to work at 9.30am, after my normal 90mph blast down the A1. I was clock watching from 9.30am until I went home at 4.45pm - I don't think a day has ever dragged so much.

I had the trusty iPod to kee me company though, and was amusing myself with the dulset tones of Will Tristam et al - the creators of the funniest independant podcast out there....The Definitave Word. Love it!

I really have nothing else to add. Razzle Dazzle is coming over shortly to see to my rogue eye brows! It's great having a mobile beautician...need to prevent any monobrow action....as cute as Bert from Bert and Earnie is...I'm just not sure it's very this season!!

We're going to the zoo, zoo zoo!

August Bank Holiday is now officially over. The Reading and Leeds festival goers are heading home caked in mud, piss and god knows what else and the cooling towers just off the M1 near Sheffield are no longer.

What did I do? Not much...

I got £100 exchanged to Euros to put a bit of spending money aside for my trip to Dublin in September. The plan was to go to Beer Festival this weekend, however, we just opted for the pub. This was the cheaper option, and meant we did not have to share a giant white tent with smelly men. From what I remember of last years Annual CAMRA beer festival tent - the one in Peterborough has a distinctive aroma of....well beer, mixed with the stench of a boys school gym changing room. Mmm delish! Not sure if that can be said for all other similar events across the country.

On Sunday I went to Whipsnade Zoo. It was a bit of a last minute decision, and took much longer to get there than anticipated due to an accident (or just bank holiday traffic) on the A421 just past Bedford. Still, we got there in the end, and it turned out to be a really nice, warm and sunny afternoon.

We saw ringtailed lemurs, giraffes (mummy, daddy and baby)...a couple of Hippos, the penguins being fed, zebras, lions (from a distance) and a siberian tiger from an even greater distance, a few cheetahs but to top it off, the best thing happened. My mate and I popped into a vending machine hut, to pick up a seriously overpriced bottle of fanta and a white chocolate magnum, and when we got out saw...5 elephants tail to trunk pounding up the road towards us! They strolled past, 3 adults and two babies! It was the most amazing thing of the whole weekend, being that close to those giant, magnificent creatures.

Today I did a bit of shopping and went looking at dresses to wear to a wedding next weekend. Tried on the most gorgeous in Monsoon today, but decided I just couldn't justify £180 for it, considering I have to save the pennies to go to Dublin. So instead, I splashed out on a few sexy pairs of black, lace trimmed 'brazillian' style panties, 2 continental chocolates from Thorntons (total cost of 65 pence!!) and a couple of CD's: Namely 'Noah and the Whale', and Oasis greatest hits.

Back to work tomorrow. Only a 4 day week so I can't complain too much. Nor can I complain that I have a 4 day week the following week! It's Luke's last day on Friday before he shoots off to University. I had the funniest lunch time last week. Went to lunch with Penny and Luke - I swear that woman should embark in a career as a stand up comic because her timing and wit is just brilliant.

They were bitching about one of the team leaders in the office - and Luke had been spending his time monitoring how many times this particular team leader had spent getting up out of her chair to harrass other people. Between the hours of 10am and 11am were her most productive, with a total of 11 times in the hour...over the whole day it was 41 times...and he gave up counting at 5pm! Some suggestions were flung around...

Lucy: Maybe she suffers from...oh what's it called?

Penny: Piles?!

**lots of laughter**

Penny: Because she does look like she's sat scratching around on her seat...

Luke: Yea she does...

Lucy: No, I wasn't thinking of piles...the one where you've got to get up and walk around a bit- DVT!

Luke: Still think piles is a better guess!

So we opted for that. Now, as it's his last day and as he had served under said team leader's instruction, we thought it'd be rude of him to go without leaving some kind of a thank you present. Yes, you may have guessed it: The plan is to leave a tube of hemorrhoid cream on her desk, and all credit must go to Penny who came up with the note to attach:

"Because you were the pain in MY arse!"

Nobody Move...Nobody Get Hurt!

Just got back from seeing We Are Scientists, for the second time. First time I was lucky enough to meet Keith and get a hug and a wee kiss on the cheek. This time round, I had to settle for a hug, wee kiss and a chat with the bassist and lead singer/guitarist from their support band...but it's not all bad, because the singer was a bit of a dish!

My feet are killing. Ears are ringing, but it was worth it!

Would love to write some more here, but far too tired. My bed is calling me...

Would that be a party ring sir?

Just been watching today's Olympic Highlights, and had to laugh out loud when they were showing a few clips of the gymnastics. Some guy was on the rings doing some fandangled display of strength, agility and whatever other qualities top olympic gymnasts possess...and it came to the dismount - the vital part which most tend to f**k up!! "Wobble wobble...oooooooh..." is how it normally goes for most - this guy, jumped off, did a few somersaults in the air and straight down onto the mats, no wobble wobble whatsoever. Brilliant performance. Commentator's quote that had me rolling around in stitches:

"GIVE THAT MAN A BISCUIT!!!"

Oh. The hilarity.

Case of the missing pjs...Part 2

It turns out after 4 months of police graft, that the owner of the missing pink pyjamas came to the conclusion that they "might have just blown off the line"...

It really does make you laugh.

"El Torro" and the Sexy Rabbits

I got back from my little weekend escape to West Yorkshire last night. Whilst there, I visited the Yorkshire Sculpture Park, just outside Wakefield (or Shakey Wakey as it's otherwise fondly known as). This place is a huge estate where they have sheep roaming the land, to keep the grass nice and trim (saves on petrol for the lawnmowers I guess). We started off well, in one of the gallery's of a Japanese-American artist and his sculptures made out of marble and all sorts. Great first impression with some woman mouthing off at one of the members of staff...I was particularly miffed as I was in mid-conversation with the tour guide regarding where to buy trendy flower corsages!! So on that note, we kinda wondered off quietly and out into the gardens.

I used to be quite into art, and I can appreciate some of the scuptures there for their hard work and craftsmanship. But really, some of them are just a little odd. I will highlight a few of my favourites.

Firstly, the collection of semi-man/semi-rabbit. These reminded me of the strange character out of Donnie Darko. They were big metal sculptures, that appeared to be cast out of melted down anything and re-arranged in the form of this creature. On the chest of a horse, and you really had to look closely, was a Harry Potter figure, broom in hand. Other's included Pocahontas, a matchbox car and some small baby. You could also point out hand drills, chains (made for a good interpretation of a spine), cogs, cheese graters - you name it, it was probably in it!

Another one of my favourites was Bugs Bunny doing a Jackie Chan impression ontop of an anvil. What is this meant to represent? Comments welcommed as usual.

We did spot this lovely brushed steel looking article on our rounds.

The sexy bunnies were giant female rabbits...one was knelt down, baps out. And another not so far away, on all fours crawling across the grass.

My highlight of the day, was what I called "El Torro" (which I hope is the correct Spanish name for a bull). If not, it will remain as it has a distinctive ring to it and one which suits. This was a very masculine looking bronze bull with bronze 'bull-ocks' the size of melons! And a rather dis-proportionately sized schlong.

The case of the missing pyjamas

Hurrah! It’s the weekend. I have actually already written the first part of today’s blog post. Infact everything so far was written last night whilst listening to Alexi Murdoch, The Mystery Jets and Paramore. I wanted to write a post yesterday, but figured I would appear little too keen to post two stories on the first day of re-commencing my blogging career.

Yesterday at work whilst trying to make the time pass, Penny and I got discussing all the cases that we read in our day-to-day business and how many are a total and utter waste of police time and tax payer’s money. At which point Luke in the corner pipes up with a classic… “I know we’ve all been 18 or 19 at some point in our lives, but has it ever struck you at such age to steal pyjamas off a washing line?”…err – I think the answer to that can safely be answered with a “no”.

So then he asks “if you were a lad, why would you want to steal pink pyjamas in the middle of February?”…presumably said thief was a little cold while jumping over the fences and maybe needed an extra layer of insulation?? (If you want to propose a reasonable response to this question, please add it to the “comments” box which can be found at the bottom of this page).

You’re probably wondering where I’m going with this. Well, it all ties in with the cases that waste police time. It’s annoying when you read some files and the police don’t seem to be too bothered about finding the perpetrators to a crime and it get’s NFA’ed (No Further Action) and archived where it will sit gathering dust for a few years. However, this was not to be for the saga of the stolen pink pyjamas. Take a guess at how many days you think a police officer would want to chase down the culprit to such a crime?! 7, maybe 10 at a push?

Try one hundred and twenty. Yes…some saddo in Cambridgeshire Constabulary spent four whole months hunting down a thief sporting pink PJ bottoms! You’d have thought any dissemination around the force of such a description would have made him easily identifiable from the rest of the thieving cretins out there! I suppose this is just another example at how far some officers are willing to go to meet their Home Office targets. Anyways, I left before I found of whether he was ever caught if so, was he wearing the pyjamas?! Had he sold them on to fund his habit? Or were they safely returned to their rightful owner?!

The saga continues on Monday… Don’t know about you, but I can’t wait!

Testing...Testing...One Two

I've just got in from work and I'm shattered. It's been a long week. Still, we're on the downward slope to Friday and it couldn't come soon enough. I was reminded today just how fantastic blogging can be and how much I missed this commentary of my life. Which is why, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sat here embarking on a new blog all about me. I shan't tell you upfront what I'm all about. As Shrek would say, people are like onions. They have layers. Therefore I shall leave you to peel back the layers of my life and explore my warped mind. I will endeavour to keep as witty, light hearted and fun as possible (although I can't promise anything!)

This evening, while I was wasting some time at my desk (nothing out of the ordinary there), I was asked by some colleagues to cast an opinion over the packaging of a sweetie wrapper. Lo behold! It was only Maoam! I was like "Guys! I used to blog about this very same subject!"What I forgot to tell them was that I was sad enough to actually write to Haribo highlighting their attention to the following issue. (Hint: Write to Haribo regarding the blatant lewd, fruitishly pornographic sexual innuendo that appears on what they call 'marketing' and you will receive a plentiful supply of free sweets. Well, I did anyway).

You're probably thinking to yourself 'what is she talking about? Sweets? Porn?'...well my friend. Go take yourself off to the nearest corner shop, hunt down a bag of Maoam and you will see for yourself. I shall briefly try to describe the images. However, I feel that I should insert a brief warning.

WARNING: The following may contain descriptions of a graphic nature. Those of a fragile disposition may instead, wish to read this. (please turn speakers on for immensely cool soundtrack AND lyrics)

Ok, so allow me to set the scene. The main character, I'm just presuming is a guy, although strictly speaking I guess it's asexual, but just go with it. It's a guy...looks like a cross between the Pillsbury doughboy and Dum-pea (Dumpy...get it??) from the Poddington Peas. Well he's lying on his front puckering up to a juicy looking strawberry and the drool is literally pouring off his face.

Sub-conscious message #1 to all e-number munching children: It's ok to kiss strawberries.
Sub-conscious message #2 to all e-number craving children: It's only ok to kiss, so long as you're slobbering all over the face of the other person.

Now, imagine if you will, the dumpy Poddington Pea-cum-pastry boy, has a firm grip on a tangerine and he's giving it a "big hug"...only from behind (if you get my drift). Looking on, with a huge smile on her face, is a strawberry who looks eager for a "hug" too. Throw a pair of cherries...some licking, winking and I'm sure you're starting to get the picture. Our green fella looks most comfortable lying back tickling the tuft of a tangerine...and well - it's all very wrong!

Sub-conscious message #3 to all hyperactive e-powered children:
It's ok to "hug", lick and suck - provided there is always a third party present.

I think this could be a case for Scott Mills. My favourite Radio 1 dee-jay. I've seen the photos on his web-page. The Hannah Montanna sweets...and those lifehouse ones too. All very, very funny!

I'm meant to be going over to my friends house now for a catch up. However, I really can't be bothered. How much of a bad friend do I sound?! Think I'll just go and get myself another bowl of crunchy nut...

...well, it is ludicrously tasty!